


Eavesdropping

by 5SecondsOfButthole



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: mentioned self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-20 20:50:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2442728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5SecondsOfButthole/pseuds/5SecondsOfButthole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was hard to talk about, so he didn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eavesdropping

It was hard to talk about, so he didn’t. He didn’t tell anyone, and it wasn’t that he didn’t trust his bandmates; he just didn’t want to have to admit the truth. He didn’t want to have to tell his best friends how fucked up he was, he didn’t want them to treat him differently. Luke knew that he’d eventually have to tell them; it was only a matter of time until one of them put the pieces together and ask him questions. The problem was that that knowledge didn’t make it any easier to actually answer them. He could only brush them off.

He ignored when his best friends asked him why he always wore a dozen bracelets.

He pretended he didn’t hear him when Calum asked why he never wore shorts.

He joked that he didn’t want to turn them gay when Michael asked him why he never changed in front of them.

And he just stood there outside the door to Michael’s garage when he showed up to band practice and he could hear them arguing about him.

“Mikey, for the last time, don’t bring it up, if Luke wants us to know he’ll tell us.”

“What if he never tells us, huh Cal? Did you think about that? What if we don’t bring it up and he goes on doing this to himself?”

Luke felt his heart stop; they couldn’t be talking about it. There was no way they could know, he was always so careful.

Calum’s voice lowered, “We don’t want to scare him by bringing it up, we have to let him do this on his own time.”

“No! We’ve already given him two months. I will not sit here and play dumb. I won’t lose him,” Michael’s voice cracked.

“Hey hey hey,” Calum’s voice was much softer now, Luke imagined he had probably wrapped his arm around Michael, “We aren’t going to lose him; he would talk to us if it was that bad.”

“NO HE WOULDN'T! IF HE CAN’T TELL US ABOUT CUTTING HIMSELF WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE WOULD TALK ABOUT WANTING KILLING HIMSELF? I CAN’T LOSE HIM… I can’t.” Michael broke into sobs, “H-he means so much t-t-to me and he’s one of my best friends. I refuse to l-lose him because you wanted to do this on his time.”

Luke never really thought about how his hurting himself would hurt others; he didn’t get it. Why were they so upset about it? He wasn’t doing anything to them. They weren’t the one’s bleeding. Why were they making it sound like a big deal?

 “Mikey…” Calum took a few deep breaths and sniffed, “You’re right but we need to plan this out okay? Why don’t we talk to Ashton about it tomorrow and then the three of us can try and find a way to bring it up with Luke? I don’t want him fre-”

“What are you doing?” Ashton’s loud voice sounded from behind Luke, making him jump and his heart race.

“You asshole, don’t scare me like that!” Luke said equally as loud.

“Well why are you eavesdropping on them?” Ashton retorted his voice obviously carrying, considering the fact that Michael and Calum had stopped their conversation.

“Not so fucking loud, they're going to know I was listening,” that was the last thing he wanted, they would know, that he knew, that they know and then they would want to talk about it. They would want him to explain. They would want to take his blades. They would treat him like glass or something.

The door behind them opened to reveal Michael with tear tracks on his cheeks and Calum with worry in his eyes; they all stared at each other for a minute, in the end it was the latter who spoke first, “How long were you listening?”

Luke didn’t answer, his mouth went dry and his heart jumped into his throat.

“What’s going on? What were you guys talking about?” Ashton asked, confused.

Michael takes the opportunity to finally confront his best friend, “We were talking about how to ask Luke about his cutting.”

Luke closes his eyes tightly and takes a deep breath; maybe he can lie his way out of it? Just play dumb, “What do you mean?”

Calum speaks up, “Please don’t lie to us Lukey. We saw your arms almost two months ago, we know you hurt yourself, we just want to help you.”

Tears build up in Luke’s eyes as he shakes his head violently, “No. I don’t know what you're talking about. You’re wrong.”

Michael walks closer to his friend and wraps his arm around his now shaking shoulders, this was not going how he wanted it to, “You don’t have to lie, we don’t think of you any differently, we just don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

Luke tears himself away from Michael and leans against a wall, sliding down it as he breaks into sobs, “You don’t understand.”

Ashton, who had stayed silent for the past few minutes sits next to Luke and takes his own bracelets off, revealing slivery white scars, he’d always been open about his past with depression and self harm, “I know how you feel you know. I've been there. I know what it’s like, and it fucking sucks, but it sucks a whole lot less when you let people in and let them help you.”

It didn’t add up to the youngest boy; how could someone as happy go lucky as Ashton have ever been sad enough to hurt himself? He stuttered out his question through his tears, “W-why di-did you d-d-d-do it?”

“Why do you do it? Why does anyone do it? I was sad and I didn’t like myself and I didn’t know how to deal with things and cutting sounded like a good idea at the time. But the longer I did it, the more dependent I got on it, and the more I believed I deserved it. It never really helped me at all, I know it’s easy to feel like it does like it releases all your stress and self hatred, but it really doesn’t; it just dulls it for a moment and then lets it grow back twice as strong. You end up hating yourself so much that you believe you're worthless and you deserve to hurt. And you don’t you really don’t Luke.

“I know what you think, you think that it can’t possibly hurt them but put yourself in their shoes; what if Calum and Michael were hurting themselves, would you let them go on doing it?” Luke pauses for a moment and shakes his head, “You mean just as much to them as they mean to you. They don’t want you hurt as much as you don’t want them hurt. I don’t want you to hurt either. None of us do. Just please talk to us? We just want to help.”

Luke opens and closes his mouth a few times, he wants to tell them everything but no words come out; here his friends are, saying everything he’d ever wanted to hear,

_“We don’t think of you any differently, we just don’t want you to hurt anymore.”_

_“We just want to help you.”_

_“You end up hating yourself so much that you believe you're worthless and you deserve to hurt. And you don’t you really don’t Luke.”_

 And he still couldn't bring himself to say anything back.

Here one of his best friends was, telling him he’d been through the exact same thing,

_“I know how you feel you know. I've been there. I know what it’s like.”_

And he still couldn't talk.

Ashton sighs and pulls Luke into a hug, “I get that it’s hard to talk about it and we won’t push you to tell us anything but we can’t let you keep doing this to yourself. We’re all going to go to your house and we’re going to throw away your blades okay? I'm not going to lie, it’s going to be hard but I know you can do it. You don’t need them okay? There's very few things in this world you physically need; water, food, and shelter. Everything else you just want. When you want them and you want to cut call one of us okay? Hell, call all of us; we’ll be there for you. You don’t need to hurt when you’re sad, you don’t deserve to hurt, you just deserve to be cuddled.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was a piece of shit idk y u read this
> 
> read my other fic it's better than this one and just as sad


End file.
